Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
