my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
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Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
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Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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