man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
