I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
