I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Randomize
