Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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