took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
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