just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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