We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
