she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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