Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
