I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
