I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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