glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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