Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
