Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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