He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
