EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
