I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
