Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
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Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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