Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
