He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
