this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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