I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
