Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
