I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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