I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
