Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
