He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
