and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
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