I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
