once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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