mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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