we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
