the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
