if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
