her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
