Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
