His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
So. Much. Porn.
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