I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
