I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
