i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
There r osticjed everywhere
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
