On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
