Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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