totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Sorry my hands just texted you
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
