i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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