FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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