We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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