Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
