sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
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