I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
