She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
