I'm jealous of your bromance
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
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she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
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No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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