so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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