i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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