You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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