Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
